Letter looks fine. I don't think there is a need to overthink it. In the end it's your letter and it should say what you want it to say. Scott's example letters are templates that have worked over the years. His group has sent out tons of letters and the examples I've given you are a culmination of the work he's done. I certainly don't think a person needs to reinvent the wheel, that's for sure.
With that said, this IS Scott's secret sauce. Frankly, we want you to be as successful as possible. I'd say it'd be a good idea to review the Deal Finder Program Session #2 about "How to Build you Contact Marketing Letter". I've watched this probably 4 times in the past 2 months and there's no reason to diverge from that methodology. Scott is pushing this method for a reason....it's been working. Here are a couple notes for you:
-Building a database (where to find lists and leads) - 11:30 (@12:30 he says that you can go to the Library and use Reference USA for free - use SIC Code 2225 for SS)
-Another successful letter used in a student's campaign @ 20:18 in. This letter was resulting in 6-7% response rates rather than the traditional 4-5%.
-Another good bit of content to review in the video is @27:00 regarding the call script. I sent you a screen shot of that section but there is further details to be listened to if you tune in to the video
-The video also highlights that you should start off by sending these letters out in your own market. Frankly, I couldn't agree more. If you were in a super hot market where RE prices were pretty inflated, I'd probably start by looking elsewhere but it seems to me that X City, AK is a great place to start. There is a decent amount of population and there probably isn't a ton of pressure on the current owners to sell up to this point. At the end of the day, hot markets typically just compress the CAP rates which isn't entirely great for your investment.
As an example, I'm have awesome luck in Western Wisconsin just outside the Twin Cities metro. Obviously I'd love to own within the Metro but prices are not favorable. Western WI is in the path of progress (eventually) and I can find 9-10% CAP rates. Also, property taxes are less, labor costs less, and building restrictions are less. Nothing wrong with any of this. The real key is the you have the square foot to population ratio within a 3 mile radius of less than 7 SF/Person. That's the key. You also have to do some due diligence in that maybe you have a situation where there's only 4 SF/person but you have 50% occupancy throughout the area (not just the facility in question). Something is up. This could be the situation in which local income is too low to sustain a facility. I'll have to review that guideline and get back to you but it's in the neighborhood of $40k/person. Or you have a situation where the area is very blighted and can't support a facility. You're going to spot these facilities from a mile away. This is the part where a little scrubbing of your list is a good idea.
Let's say you know West Suburb is a total dive and North Suburb is a decent, blue collar area. You would probably want to scratch the West Suburb facility off your list and probably continue to send out the letter in North Suburb. (Sorry if I completely missed the ball here but I was just trying to use some areas that were local to you in my example).
I am not an expert with wholesaling, but I listen to tons of podcasts and whatnot regarding the practice. At a minimum, I would consider myself well versed. There are some intricacies to wholesaling residential properties. But you also have to consider those people are selling for a lot different reason. They are typically under duress of some sort. It's quite unlikely that you will find a SS owner who's under duress. I think something like less than 0.3% of all SS facilities went into foreclosure even during the great recession. That means that the folks that are calling you that are motivated are motivated because they are retiring or they are investors who pumped up their properties a little and want to move on to something else. There are some mismanaged facilities out there too but most of those fall into the "owners are ready to retire" category too. As you see with the residential stuff, you'll get contacted by those who want to sell for way too much but I'm also confident a few solid opportunities will come knocking too.
I want to add one more thing on the location question (and I'd be happy to talk some more about this when we have our call next week) - I think you should campaign the X City and surrounding areas first and see what comes through the door. Remember, you also need to try contacting owners via phone and local brokers in case someone's holding onto a pocket listing (although these are fewer and farther between due to SS facilities being on the "radar" nowadays) or so they can bring a deal to you first if they come across something. After you've done what you can do in X City, then we can start talking about other markets. But like I said, we want those tertiary markets because they hold the best deals. Hell, Scott has been killing it just buying stuff around the Indy area (and not IN the Indy metro).
BTW, I love where your head is going here. You're thinking about the long term game of keeping properties coming in the door. Remember, we don't need 4 of these a month, we need 2 within 12 months. You guys seem like go-getters, which I love, so I think you'll probably do better than that, but I'm just trying to give you some context that this is more about playing the long game.